What Really Happened in Eragon?
by deepblue1028
Summary: The stoy of Eragon- but funnier! Insane elves, gangster shades, and tempermental dragons are only some of the things that live in Alegaesia. Put them all together, and you've got one wacky reproduction of the bestseller, Eragon!
1. Shade of Bling

**Eragon – What Really Happened**

**Prologue: Shade of Bling**

* * *

Three elves ride through the forest, one insane and the others about to become insane. Some nitwit had given the insane one a cell phone for Christmas.

"Hey guess what?" said the insane one.

"What?" said another elf, annoyed.

"I'm right next to you! Ahhahahahahaha! Wheeeee! DucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucks-"

"Will you shut up already!" yelled the other elf. Her name was Arya.

"Nevah! I love Arkansas! I mean, It's like, Ar, and then Kansas! Arkansas (Pronounced Are-Kansas, like the state.) RULEZ! Oh, hangon I got a text." The insane one pulled out his phone. It read

**Yo watup dis is Durza im guna kill u**

"Hey! It's Durz! He says he's gonna- What's that smell? So flowery and pubescent!" the insane one smelled the air. Arya sniffed as well.

"Oh, no! It's-its- Chanel #5! We're doomed!" she screamed.

Just then, arrows flew from the trees towards the elves. Arya was the only one that did not… erm, go bye byes.

Durza, a Shade, stepped out of the shadows. Behind him were a bunch of sweet-smelling Urgals.

"Yo dawg, er lady dawg, watup! I killed your friends, yo! Give me da riock, yo! Or I'll kill you, yo!" Durza said. He wore baggy clothes and an unusual amount of bling.

"AH! GANGSTER SHADE! AIEEEEE!" screamed Arya. She teleported the rock someplace far, far away.

"Oh, no you di-ant!" said Durza, snapping his fingers in a Z formation. Ten minutes later, Arya was in the trunk of Durza's car, tied up and gagged. Durza drove through border control and was trying to explain to the police why he had an elf in his trunk. Frustrated, Durza drove over a couple policemen and a squirrel or two in his escape. Arya was crying.

"NO, LITTLE SQUIRRELY, WHY?!?!?"

* * *


	2. I Love You, Mr Heavy!

**Eragon- what Really Happened**

**I Love you, Mr. Heavy!**

* * *

Eragon was really bored. He was at home in Carvahall watching TV with his uncle Garrow.

"—el oso es rojo por—"

"—and Galbatorix is being a real pain in the—"

"—makes your skin--"

"--DucksDucksDucksDucksDucks –"

"—here comes Bob with the ball—

"Oh! Said Eragon to Garrow, jumping up and down and pointing at the TV. "Go back! Go back!" Giving Eragon a creeped-out glance, Garrow went back a channel.

"--DucksDucksDuckDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucks—"

"Eragon, go get me some food. I very hungwee." Said Garrow.

"Why?" Eragon asked, really annoyed.

"I dunno, its part of the plot. Now go!"

"Gosh!" said Eragon and he went outside and into the woods with his trusty AK47. He was stalking a squirrel when there was a flash of light an Eragon's eyebrows burned off. He ventured closer to where the explosion had come from. In the middle of a smoldering hole, a polished blue rock sat, smoking.

"Ohhh! A rock! Hello, rock! I shall call you Mr. Heavy. Come on, Mr. Heavy! Let's go catch some squirrellys!"

Eragon picked up the rock, or Mr. Heavy, and walked off into the forest. They caught some squirrels and brought them home to Garrow.

"Here are your squirrels, uncle Garrow. I'm going to my room now." Eragon threw a squirrel at Garrow, and then went to his room.

* * *

The next week was spent frolicking about with Mr. Heavy in Eragon's room. He did not eat and spent every minute dancing with Mr. Heavy, feeding Mr. Heavy, pretending Mr. Heavy was a baby, and getting beat at video games by Mr. Heavy. One night Eragon and Mr. Heavy were playing Eragon's new game : Super Awesome Pink and Fluffy and Super Pink Powder Puff Slumber Party 2: Night of the Night You Get a Nail Polish Stain. Mr. Heavy was totally beating Eragon at the cucumber mask minigame.

Eragon was about to go to bed, when Mr. Heavy started to shake. The blue rock rolled around on the floor, vibrating.

"Mr. Heavy! Are you having convulsions? Are you on drugs? You know I don't like it when you do drugs without asking me! Mr. Heavy! Mr. Heavy!!!!!"

Apparently Mr. Heavy didn't hear him. Long cracks appeared on the rock. The cracks grew, until the rock finally exploded, and out popped a creepy- looking lizard thing.

"Mr. Heavy? You were an egg? Aw, come on, you have to tell me these things!" said Eragon. The lizard just made a weird growly purring noise. "What are you, anyway, Mr. Heavy?"Eragon looked at Mr. Heavy and tilted his head, thinking.

"I know! You're a unicorn! Wow! I never thought I would meet a unicorn before! And I certainly never thought you were one, Mr. Heavy! Hm, you know, I don't know anything about you. I should probably look up how to take care of you, and stuff."

Eragon went to his computer to look up unicorns, but he ended up playing Runescape instead. It had been five hours when something weird happened. This is Eragon's diary entry for that day.

* * *

**26 February**

_Ok, so here I am just minding my own business, you know, playing with my unicorn, and playing Runescape, and then all of a sudden, this crazy old dude with a knife __crashes through my window, screaming his head off! So his like, "AHHH!" and i'm like "AHHH!" and he's like, "AHHH!" so were're both like, "AHHH!" and then he's like, "HEY WANNA HEAR A STORY?" and I'm like,really creeped out, so i'm like, "No!" so then he gets this weird look in his eye, and then he's all like crazy stalker nutcase and stuff and he starts walking toward me, and he's like speaking in this raspy sorta voice and he's all like, "TOUCH IT... TOUCH IT... TOUCH IT..." and I'm lik, backing against the wall, and stuff. And I'm thinking, 'like dude! There can be, like, little kids reading this! Don't burn thier eyeballs out with inappropriateness!' So then I say, " STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! so then I try to hit the guy over the head like a normal person. But he's like, "TOUCH THE UNICORN..." so then I'm like, "Oh, phew. I thought... well, never mind. Ok!" so I went over and touched Mr. Heavy and stuff, and then I was all like, "OW! Mr. Heavy, how could you?!?!" and there's like, this weird mark on my palm, and I'm like_, _trying to figure out what it is and then the old dude is like, "Come with me" and I'm like, "Why?" and he's like, "Cuz the big voice said so!" and i'm like, "Who's that?" and then the sky opens up and this big voice is all like,_ **"That would be me."**_ so I'm like, "I'm not coming. You're scary strngers!" and then a cucumber fell from the sky and landed on my head and stuffs and stuffs and I got KOed._

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**I laughed so hard writing the journal. Hope everyone else did too! Please comment nice things about this story so I will have the confidence to keep writing! **

**PULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!**

**And Yes, i just said ' Pulswease'. Get over It!**

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	3. Yay, Camping Trip!

**

* * *

**

Eragon - What Really Happened

**Chapter 3: Yay, Camping Trip!**

* * *

Eragon woke up in the middle of a forest. Brom was standing next to him.

"Owwww…. Where am I?" Eragon said, rubbing his head.

"That's easy." Brom said. "You're in the spine. You've been unconscious for 9 months now. We've been on a camping trip fo a while, you know, with the smores, and the sleeping bags, and the giant vampie bugs and stuff. Oh, and by the way, the Ra'zac killed your uncle and destroyed your home."

"What?"

_Hello, Eragon._

"Mr. Heavy? Is that you? How can I hear you? Get out of my brain! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Eragon got up and ran screaming in circles until a large creature caught him and held him up to its face.

_Calm down, you idiot boy! We have a telepathic connection. And I am a she, not a he, so stop calling me Mr. Heavy. It is undignified. _

"Is that you Mr. Heavy? Did you get really big? Wow, it is you! This is so cool, you're like, a giant unicorn!

_I am not a unicorn! I am a dragon! AND FOR THE LAST TIME STOP CALLING ME_ _MR. HEAVY!_

"Ok, Ok, so then what should I call you? I don't even know any good dragon names!" said Eragon. He had a temper tantrum for a little bit until Brom said, "I know some dragon names!" Eragon looked up from his fetal position excitedly. "Well, there was Chuck, Randy, Maleficent, Sir Arnold Wrecking Ball McBippypants, Ronald McDonald, and Saphira."

"Hm…" thought Eragon.

_I'll give you a hint. It's the only girl name._

"Sir Arnold Wrecking Ball McBippypants!" exclaimed Eragon. Saphira squeezed him even harder. "O…K… Saphira it is…" he said, gasping for air.

_Thank You!_ Said Saphira, and released him.

"Oh!" said Brom. "I forgot to tell you! I had a baby!"

"WHAT?"

"Oh my God! Gannondorf is attacking!

"………"

"Sorry, you know, I hallucinate sometimes."

"………"

After another pause, "What's a Gannondorf anyway?" asked Eragon.

_He is the final boss from The Legend of Zelda. He's very hard to beat._

"Oh." Said Eragon. "Um, when did you have your baby, Brom?"

"You know, I think that was a hallucination as well."

"………"

"Well, we have a plot to continue, so now we have to go find the big creepy dudes." Said Brom.

"You mean the Ra'zac?" asked Eragon

"Yeah, them. Oh, and here, take this sword. Its name is Zar'Roc." Said Brom, handing Eragon a sword.

"Why is it red?"

"Ha! Funny story! See, I was having one of my hallucinations, and-"

"I don't wanna know." Said Eragon. "Now let's go."

Eragon packed his sword, comic books, video games, and hair gel, while Brom packed his medications. They climbed onto Saphira's back. She tried to fly off, but yelped, and couldn't get off the ground.

_Brom! You're too fat. Get off. NOW. _She thought to Brom and Eragon, who snickered.

Brom reluctantly got off of Saphira. He sat down and sulked in a fetal position.

Suddenly the hole opened up in the sky again and the 'big voice' said, **"Saphira, don't insult Brom. We all know he's morbidly obese as well as insane, but your teasing is messing up the plot."**

_What is this whole plot thing about in the first place, anyway? _

"Yeah," said Eragon, "Everyone keeps talking about it, but I have no clue what it means."

_I am starting to question your authority, big voice._

"**Don't mess with me, dragon. I have universal powers, you know."**

_I shall mess if I see fit._

"**You know, just for that, I will change the storyline. Brom will lose weight, and you will have to fight the Ra'zac in ten days. Be ready. I expect Brom to be totally fit in one week, Eragon, Saphira. Now good day."**

_Nice job, Eragon._

"What did I do?"

_You were an idiot, that's what. You can thought speak with me, too, you know._

_I can? _Said Eragon to Saphira.

_Yes, nitwit, you can._

"Cool!" Yelled Brom, interrupting their imaginary spat. "I get to lose weight! This will be great for my hot bod. Let's get to work!"

Eragon and Saphira exchanged tired glances.

_Well, _said Eragon, _We'd better go._

_This is going to be a bad experience, _said Saphira.

* * *

_**Now is the part of the story where, if this was a movie, they'd play that catchy workout song from 'Rocky' and show Brom getting really exhausted and then gradually getting better and stuff. Aside from the parts where he falls down and drops weights on himself and gets barbecued by Saphira, it's really boring and I don't feel like explaining it. So, let's skip to the part where I come and make them fight 'the big creepy dudes' and stuff.**_

* * *

"**Well, Eragon, Saphira, where's Brom?"**

"He's over there, hugging that tree." Said Eragon, pointing to the forest, where indeed, Brom was hugging a tree.

"**I knew he was an environmentalist, but this is… discouraging…"** the big voice said.

"Oh, treesie, you bad boy, you- oh… hello, big voice! How are you today? Lovely weather, hm?" said Brom, inching away from the tree.

"**Let me see your muscles, Brom." **The big voices said, and Brom jumped into various poses that showed off his buffness. **"Alright, you pass. Now you get to fight the Ra'zac. Bye now."**

The hole in the sky closed up, and there was another flashy flash of light, and standing before Eragon, Saphira, and Brom, were two Ra'zac.

* * *

**Big gasp!**


	4. Fight and Flight Sorta

**What Really Happened in Eragon?**

**Chapter 4: Fight and Flight... Sorta**

* * *

"Whoa! Dude! Like, What the heck are we doing here? Joe, I think I had another bad cheeseburger." Said one Ra'zac, looking around in surprise at his newfound surroundings.

"Cheeseburger…" said the other Ra'zac, evidently named Joe.

"Oh. Hey, dudes. Like, what are we doing here? You have any idea why I wanna beat the crap out of you strangers?" said the first Ra'zac, just noticing our main characters. "And, uh, my names Mike, and this here's Joe." The Ra'zac gestured to himself and then to Joe, who was still ignoring them.

"Hello! I'm Brom, and this is Eragon, and his dragon Saphira. The big voice from the sky told us to kill you." Said Brom.

"Well, then, dudes, I suppose we should get going here." Said Mike. "By the way, it was very nice to meet you two dudes" Saphira growled. "And dudettes… and dudettes…" he finished hastily.

"You too, Mike, Joe."

"Thanks!"

"Cheeseburgers…"

"But, before we begin," said Eragon, "Why'd you kill my uncle and destroy my house?"

"Oh, because Durz told us to. He's a shade." Answered Mike, casually.

"Why'd you listen to him in the first place? And isn't his name Durza?"

"Because he, like, brought us to life, you know?" said Mike. Eragon thought he sounded vaguely like Napoleon Dynamite. "And he went gangster a few years back. So now he's Durz from the hood, yo!"

Eragon was a little disturbed. "Why, big voice, why?" he said. The hole opened up in the sky again.

"**Well, I wasn't getting enough views on this website, so I tweaked his character a bit. Ratings have been through the roof ever since. Oh, pardon, I farted."**

Then the hole closed, leaving Eragon, once again, questioning the big voice that had, in fact, been responsible for the introduction of video games in his life. Then he forgot what he was thinking about and took out Zar'roc.

"Let's go then." He said. Eragon ran forward, screaming.

Suddenly a sports announcer popped out of nowhere and started commentating. This is what he said:

* * *

**ESPN2 Sports Coverage, Chris Berman reporting live.**

_Hey, how'd I get here? Why am I- ohhh, fighting! Yay, now I get paid to commentate! Here comes Eragon, excellent form with Zar'roc, by the way, and he goes for a double backslash fakeout combo, and- oh, he got hit in the head with a cheeseburger! Excellent throw by Joe. Here comes Brom, and he appears to have no weapon whatsoever, and oh? What's this? Brom is pulling out a secret weapon! That's right folks, it's a- BB gun? Seriously, I don't know how he's going to defeat the Ra'zac with that kind of a weapon. But wait! Brom chucks it at Mike's head! He's out cold! Brom takes out a knife and raises it above his head! He brings it down, and- eugh…that's got to be painful! Well, Mike's a lady now, so let's go to Saphira. She appears to be battling Joe in a desperate bid to keep the unconscious Eragon safe. Brom comes running towards them, screaming, and jumps of Joe's back! He seems to be demanding a piggyback ride! They're struggling, folks! Oh, wait! Eragon is coming to! Yes, he's back in action! Eragon closes in for the final blow, and- yes! Target hit! Oh wait, that was Brom. Oopsies, Eragon! Wrong target!_

* * *

"Brom!" Eragon screamed, brushing past Joe, whom Saphira ate in one bite.

"You… Idiot…" said Brom. "I'm dying…"

"Yes, I know."

"Wait… this… is out of order…"

"Yeah. I haven't even had my vision of Arya ye-"

_Sorry I'm late, Eragon. The author was um, having lots of fun in author land, so, um-_

"_**Arya, get on with it!"**_

_OK, OK, so, yeah, and anyway, come save me, and um, I'm in Gil'ead, and stuff, and… Big voice, please don't hurt me! I'm too young to die! I'm only 70! WAAAAA!!!_

"Whoa! She's 70! Ick!" said Eragon

"**Well, there goes the love interest sub-plot. Thanks, Arya."**

_Sorry!_ Said Arya, and then Eragon's vision was over,

"OK… that… was freaky timing…" rasped Brom.

"**Brom, you're not supposed to die yet. Arya messed up the plot because she was slacking off in prison, so just come back to life and then get killed again, OK?"**

"OK!" yelled Brom, who was now fully healed. He jumped to his feet and ran in circles, screaming, "YAY, SAVE ELF! WHOOP DOOP DOO! YAY, SAVE ELF! WHOOP DOOP DOO! YEEEEAAAAAH!!!!!!"

"**Brom. Brom! BROM!!!!!!" **Said the big voice, but Brom didn't hear because he was screeching his new war cry that sounded like a mix between a banshee and Eragon when he volunteered to sing at Carvahall Karaoke Night. Trust me. NOT. NICE.

"What?" he said when he finally stopped torturing everyone with his terrible vocals.

"**You still have to go to Terim so you can do some stuff there and make the plot develop more for no apparent reason."**

"Darn it! Come on, Eragon. We gotta fly to Terim." Brom said. Eragon and Saphira packed up and set off.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a sec." Said Eragon.

"***Sigh* What do you want now?"**

"Um, some chips, a movie, and a third arm, if you've got it."

"***Bigger Sigh* Fine, here you go."**

Eragon squealed when some chips and a DVD player popped up in front of him. He nearly fainted of excitement when another arm grew out of his chest.

"**Now will you leave me alone and let me develop the plot?"**

"SQEEE… OK…" said Eragon, as the three flew off in the wrong direction.

* * *

**Chapter Epilogue**

**The big voice smiled as she watched her characters fly off. She wiped a tear from her face as they disappeared over the horizon and said,**

**"God, they're stupid."**

* * *

**YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! 2 chapters in 1 day! I'm on fire, baby! Remember, I do this for my fans, so keep commenting if you wand this story to continue! I you don't, I'll send Brom after you. He WILL sing. you have been warned.**

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	5. Some Pointless Plot Development

**What Really Happened in Eragon?**

**Chapter 5: Some Pointless Plot Development**

* * *

Eragon, Saphira made their way to Terim. Saphira flew at top speed nonstop for a really long time. Why was she possessed to do so? Because Eragon wouldn't turn off 'Medieval Karaoke Dance Party 3'.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEEAAHH YEAH! OHHHHH, YOU CAN'T STOP ME, NO! 'CUZ I'M KING GALBY! YEAH, KING GALBY! FEEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OHOWHOAWHOAWHOA! YEAH, THAT'S-"

_WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BOY! YOU'RE SINGING SOUNDS WORSE THAN BROM'S! WAS YOUR MOTHER, LIKE, A BANSHEE, OR SOMETHING?!?!?!?!? I SWEAR, LIKE, YOU AND BROM ARE BOTH INSANE ENOUGH TO BE RELATED OR SOMETHING! _Saphira screamed to Eragon.

"**Heh… funny you should mention that…"**

_Wait… you mean…_

"**Not until the threequel, Saphira!"**

_Oh… gotcha…_

"Lookie! Terim!" shouted Brom, pointing to the city that just happened to pop up below them. "Dive, Saphira, dive!"

_Brom, if I dive now, I'd plummet into a city full of curious onlookers. We should-_

"WAAAAAAA!!!!! Eragon, she's being a nubby lunch monster! SQUEEEEEE!!!!!" Brom screamed, banging his fists on Saphira's back.

_All right, all right! I'll land! Jeez!_

Saphira dove towards the middle of Terim. She looked around the city quickly with her perceptive dragon eye, and dove towards the roof of a building. They crashed through the building. Eragon stepped off of Saphira, dizzy, and looked around.

"Where are we?" he asked.

_A hotel. _Said Saphira.

"Really? Because to me it looks like we just crashed through the roof of a low fat no sugar yet high cholesterol frozen yogurt shop." Said Eragon, wary of the faces staring at him, bewildered.

_Oops._

"Come on, let's get out of here." Said Eragon, starting to climb onto Saphira.

_No wait, I want some frozen yogurt._

"Fine" said Eragon reluctantly as he, Brom, and Saphira made their way to the counter. "Ok, I'll have a chocolate super sundae with extra chocolate, whipped cream, and a warm brownie on top, smothered in hot fudge. Oh and…" Eragon leaned forward so only the cashier could hear. "Get me the kiddie sword toy with that, too, please."

_Do you have any meat-flavored varieties?_ Asked Saphira. When the cashier nervously shook his head no, she roared and started eating people until Eragon had to take her outside so she could have a temper tantrum.

"Ok, I'll just have something simple." Said Brom, as Eragon sat down with his enormous chocoholic sundae, grinning ear to ear.

"Doublefudgeraspberryorangestrawberryvanillachocolateyogurtwithbananakiwicumquatandstrawberriesontheside,,shaken,notexploded." He finished nonchalantly.

"Um… yes, sir, I'll get it in a minute." The cashier said, and dropped into a dead faint.

"Ok, I'll just sit down at my table and wait for you." Said Brom, and he sat down with Eragon, who was engaged in a wild conversation with a woman Brom did not know.

"… I told you, I don't want my fortune told! Now leave me alone, stalker!" yelled Eragon between bites of his sundae.

"But the bones call to you! Here! Talk to Solumbum!" the woman said, holding a large, scruffy cat close to his face.

_Hey._ It said to Eragon._ How ya doin'?_

"Ah! Talking kitty!" Eragon screamed, spilling chocolate all over himself.

"Yes! I knew it'd work! Now, let's see what the bones have to say about this. Oh, and hi. I'm Angela." She said. Angela threw the screeching cat over her shoulder and held out her hand, which Eragon did not take. Muttering, she dug in a backpack until she found a small blue velvet pouch. Angela dumped the contents on the table and waved her arms over them in an extravagant manner.

"Are those chicken bones?"

"Yes." Angela said, not looking up. "I found them in my Happy Meal at McDonald's one day. They're magic."

"Okay…"

"Hm… yes… I see…"

"Can we hurry this up?"

"Don't push me!" said Angela in a whiny voice. Then she got a weird look on her face, like she was going to the bathroom. "Ohhh… er… squee… ah…" her face relaxed as a yellow puddle appeared around her.

"Uhrg!"

"_**You are in danger. You will save an elf. Brom will die. You will leave Alegaesia forever.**_**"** Angela said in a creepy, male voice.

"Allrighty then… I take it that you-"

"_**You will puke from eating so much ice cream. You will learn to read. Brom is keeping something from you, but you will not find out what it is until book 3"**_

"What? Are you saying that I-"

"_**Quit slouching! Remember your manners! The three pronged fork is for seafood only!"**_

"You're insane. You are completely-" Eragon stopped speaking and threw up Chocó chunks all over Angela. Angela got up and seemed to ignore the barf.

"My work here is done." She said, then turned briskly and left the store, leaving Eragon weirded out and Brom with little hearts in his eyes.

"She's hot!" He said.

"Come on, Brom. She said I gotta learn to read." Said Eragon, finishing his ice cream and standing up.

"Great! You know, I am a great reading teacher. I even wrote a book on the subject!"

Brom slapped down a copy of his book, _How to Read _on the table in front of Eragon.

"This book contains everything you need to know about reading. Now learn, child, LEARN!" he said.

_Brom, I think you need to know how to read in order to read your book that teaches you how to read._

"Good point, Saphira. Now, Eragon. We will now learn a song."

_Oh, boy._

Many songs (and days) later, Eragon was finishing up _How to Read _and Brom was packing his things to leave.

"You know," said Eragon, closing the book, "there was really no point in learning to read. I mean, the big voice didn't even mention Jeod."

"**Oh yeah, and they met Jeod. Happy?"**

"Not really. I only learned to read because Angela said I should." Said Eragon.

"**Well, too bad. Now you go rescue Arya.** **K?**

"Who's Arya?"

"**Just go."**

So they flew off. Then Saphira fell from the sky.

"You're supposed to flap, you idiot dragon!" yelled Eragon after Saphira narrowly pulled up from their plummet.

_Hey, why don't me and Brom climb on your back and ride you to Gil'ead. It's not so easy to remember all the time. _

So they got into a big fight that lasted the entire flight that was all about why you don't back sass a dragon and you can't talk to me like that, and the bunnies are eating me, and no they're not, you idiot, and all that good stuff. They were still fighting when the dull gray stone buildings of Gil'ead appeared beneath them…

* * *

**Chapter Epilogue**

_When Eragon had some free time back in his Terim hotel room..._

"Die, evil overlord dude, die!" yelled Eragon, swinging his itty bitty pinky size sword at the King Galbatorix action figure.

"Oh no, you can't kill me!" said Eragon, making a high pitched Galbatorix voice

"Oh yes I can cuz I'm a dragon rider!" said Eragon, in his own voice. He swung his little sword at King Galbatorix.

Eragon made a Brom action figure and a Saphira action figure walk up to him

"Ok, Eragon, you're a hero!" said the squeaky voice of action figure - Brom.

"The crowds cheer for him wildly! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Eragon in his narrarator voice, then making that weird whisper yell noise that sounds like a crowd cheering. Eragon made everyone dance, including himself.

"Eragon, what are you doing?" asked the real Brom, who had just walked in. Eragon looked up, saw Brom, and quickly hid the action figures.

"Um... I'm... reading! Yeah! I'm... reading... heh..." Eragon said. Brom's expression of suspicion faded and he sat down on the bed.

"Ok, I'll stay here for a while." he said.

"Great! I was just going to the market." said Eragon hurriedly. He got up and turned around. He walked out of the door, unaware that Brom was staring, horrified, ant the Brom action figure sticking out of Eragon's pants.

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**heh! I love this chapter. PLZ COMMENT LOL PLZ!**


	6. Ohh Durza Got in TROUBLE

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What Really Happened in Eragon?

**Chapter 6: Ohh… Durza Got in TROUBLE!**

…_And you still sleep with a night light! How lame is that!_

Eragon was outraged. "I do not! And at least I fall asleep counting sheep, not trying to eat them!"

_They are very delicious! You wouldn't know, Mr. Afraid of the Dark, you're not a dragon!_

"I sleep with lots of random inanimate objects, but I'm not ashamed of it!" said Brom, a faraway look in his eye. "I embrace my problems with open arms! I have learned to sleep with what life throws at me! Literally, once I slept with a spear this evil dude chucked at me once… I named him Britney Spears…"

Eragon and Saphira just stared as Brom gazed wistfully into nowhere.

"**Ahem…"** the author made a strange coughing noise that sounded strangely like, _**getthehellintherandsaveAryaori'llkillyou**_**.**

"Right. Sorry." Said Eragon, and he yelled at Saphira to move her lazy lizard butt down some more.

The author got really lazy too and didn't feel like getting all descriptive and such, so to make story short, idiot boy go in house, idiot boy find elf. Fun, Right? Yeah, right.

"No, Eragon! Go away!" cried Arya.

"You big meanie! You slack your butt off, you finally contact me when I'm miles away, and now I have to leave?!?!?" Eragon yelled. Then he paused for a moment, seemingly having a battle within himself. It looked like someone inside that big hot air sack won, because Eragon shrugged and walked towards Arya. "It's a good thing you're pretty," he said, untying the ropes binding her. Then he stopped. "Then again, you are 70…"

And so he went on, saying, "70…pretty…70…pretty…70…pretty…" over and over again. When Durza finally realized that one of his plans actually worked, Eragon was curled in a ball on the floor, muttering to himself, and Arya had given up reasoning with him completely.

"Yo."

No response.

"Yo!"

Still nothing.

"YO!"

Nada.

"ANSWER ME YO OR I"LL KILL YOU, YO!"

Goose eggs.

* * *

Than a rip in the space time continuum caused everyone except Durza and the author to freeze and not move or do anything or anything like that and stuffs.

* * *

"Yo! Wait one sec, Mr. Big Time Author Dude! Yo, like, 'goose eggs'? What is 'goose eggs' supposed to mean?"

"**Goose eggs can be used, theoretically, in speech, to mean 'zero' or 'nothing'. First used in the nineteenth century, the-"**

"Aw, come on dawg! You gotta go mess up a perfectly nice story by goin' 'round an' sayin' goose eggs this, goose eggs that to everybody ya' meet? Lame, yo!"

"**You're ****not the author here, buddy, so if you don't like it, TOUGH NUBS!"**

"Why am I even doin' this yo?"

"**I'm fixing time-space now. Go be the Shade you were created to be! NOW!"**

* * *

Then the space time continuum was fixed and everyone started moving again, and stuff.

* * *

Durza realized that obviously, words would not work with this one. So he took out his sword and made to chop off Eragon's head.

But Eragon jumped up so fast Durza sliced in thin air. I a flash, Eragon was behind Durza, brandishing Zar'Roc.

"HA! You all thought I was having a nervous breakdown, didn't you? Well, YOU'RE WRONG! HA! HA, I SAY TO YOU, HA!"

Eragon had a weird gleam in his eye Durza did _not_ like.

Eragon jumped up and came crashing down with Zar'Roc ready to decapitate anything so unlucky as to be underneath it. Durza rolled to his left, and then said, "_Bing! Bop! Zuopitty wap! Bada pa doo-da, bada doo-da!"_ Eragon was sort of curious as to what Durza was doing, so he stopped and watched as Durza wove a spell.

"… _ewwie ewwie ewwie skada badoosh! Yo yo yo, budu budu! Yo yo yo, budu budu!" _Background dancers walked out of a door on Durza's right. A DJ came out on his right. Eragon was really weirded out when Durza began to sing-rap-thing-… oh, you know what I mean.

"Yo, my name is Durz, and I'm you're man!

I'm superduper evil and I need a tan!

You run into me, an' chances are you'll die!

'Cuz I'll smash your face in just like a pie!

"_dahdahdahdadadah!" _sang the dancers

"I'm Durza!" sang Durza.

"_dahdahdahdadadah!"_

"Yo I work for the king; he's a mean old guy,

He's got me under his evil little eye!

To I try an' I try an' I try again,

I still gotta do his dirty work for 'im!"

"_dahdahdahdadadah!"_

"I'm Durza!"

"_dahdahdahdadadah!"_

"Yo I hate ma' job,

Yea' I'm workin' like a slob-

But I still gotta swear ma' loyalty

Yea' I'm Durza!"

"_Whoop, whoop!"_

"Yea' Durza!"

"_Whoop, whoop!"_

"Ahhhhh…"

Eragon's sword fell out of his hands and his eyebrows rose ten feet on his face.

"What the **** was that?!?!??!?" he asked

"Yes, Durza." Said a cold, dark voice. "What WAS that?" Durza gulped. He knew that voice. Slowly, Durza turned around.

"Your Majesty… Um, no offence?" he said from underneath a deep bow.

"DUUUUUUURRRRRZAAAAA!!!!!!" yelled King Galbatorix. "Come, here, young man," he said, ignoring Eragon. Reluctantly, Durza walked up to Galbatorix. He was yanked up sharply by the ear.

"Owwww, Your Highness! That hurts me!" said Durza in an incredibly whiny voice.

"I don't care. How dare you disrespect me! Now you go to your room, now mister!" said the king.

"Sire…"

"Now."

"Sire!"

"NOW!"

They proceeded to have a small spat in front of Eragon, who was reminded strongly of a middle aged woman quarreling with her badly behaved teenage daughter.

"MARCH!" said Galbatorix.

"No!" said Durza

Galbatorix lost all his patience and started spanking Durza. Durza screamed in pain.

_Saphira… Now would be a good time to GET ME THE **** OUT OF HERE!_

_Hey, watch the language, buddy. I'm on my way._

Ten seconds later Saphira crashed through the ceiling. Galbatorix dropped Durza and dove into a doorway and vanished before any large rocks hit him. Durza however, was slightly dazed from his corporeal punishment and did not make it in time. He was crushed by a boulder. There was this weird thing happening to him as Eragon mounted Saphira and left, but they didn't pay much attention. Saphira was out of the building before Eragon could tell her that they left Arya in Gil'ead.

* * *

**hey I know this chapter was really late, but as you all probably know, the site has been having technical difficulties and i couldn't log on. I am nearly done chapter 7 as of now, so you can definitely expect it today, too!**


	7. Fishy Boy the Environmentalist

**What Really Happened in Eragon?**

**Chapter 7: Fish Boy the Environmentalist**

_Saphira…_

_What?_

_Ah, I dunno, just YOU LEFT ARYA IN A COLLAPSING BUILDING, you know, nothing important._

_Oh. Oops._

_Yeah, oops._

Saphira turned around and flew back to the currently caving in prison.

"It's about time!" yelled Arya to Eragon as he dodged falling flagstones.

"You're lucky we decided to help you at all!" he replied, untying Arya.

"We should get out of here!" she yelled, standing up.

_No duh, smarty pants. That's what I'm here for._

Saphira flew low and Eragon and Arya climbed on.

"Cool, we get our own getaway vehicle-dragon-thing!

Saphira growled.

"I mean, Cool! Saphira saved us!"

_That's more like it._

* * *

"There it is." Eragon said, pointing at the city a mile ahead. They had been flying for two days straight and were eager to see the city approaching. "Dras Leona: a beautiful, historic city of grace, passion and-"

_Smog._

Saphira was right. The beauty of Leona Lake was obscured by the pollutants produced by Dras Leona's factories.

_Land over by the lake shores,_ Eragon said to Saphira. She dove and landed on a shore near the city, but obscured by more smog and some strange floatie brown stuff that looked lethal.

"I suppose *cough* we should set up camp*cough* here. *cough* I can't stand the pollution in the city*COUGH COUGH*." Said Eragon, as a brown wad of icky stuff floated by his face. He poked it and it felt like stinky, moldy, old brown jello.

Saphira sneezed, sending a small jet of flame towards Eragon.

"AHHHH!!!" he yelled, jumping backwards to avoid getting his newly regrown eyebrows singed off again. He was too late. "Saphira!" he yelled.

_I cannot help it if this city has a lack of environmentalists! You-_

Saphira stopped when Eragon moved his head. The floating poop behind him had caught fire! The bulk of the gas around the fire was dissipating. In a minute the fire fizzled out and the area around the camp was clear enough to see a bit better, but smog still obscured a lot.

Eragon looked out at the lake. It was so peaceful! But wait… what's that? There's a big shape headed for shore! It's coming for me! SAPHIRA! HELPME!

_Eragon get off of me!_

_Sorry, _said Eragon, getting off of Saphira's head.

_What is THAT?_ She said, seeing the thing coming closer.

_I don't know, but it's scary!_

The creature was coming closer. Through the screen of water, they could see the thing. It was the same size as Eragon. Hey, it even looked like him!

The creature stepped out of the water.

"Hey man... and uh, lady man, and uh… lizard man." The creature said. Saphira growled and Arya looked ready to hit the thing. "You dudes know its bad karma to stare a stranger?"

They kept staring.

"Then I'll have to make myself not a stranger. My name's Murtagh. I like swimming, I like hippies, I hate pollution, and I would like to be your friend." It held out its hand. Saphira pushed Eragon over towards Murtagh. He shook Murtagh's hand and immediately recoiled.

_EW! His hand is all scaly and slimy, Saphira! I wish I could see through this smog!  
_

_Most of the smog is gone, you illiterate nimrod! You have really terrible eyes._

A gust of filthy wind blew on them and cleared the rest of the smog. The three main characters stared at Murtagh, who was slimy, scaly in places, and had gills.

"You're a fish boy!" said Eragon, pointing at Murtagh's dorsal fin.

"Well, it's not bad when you don't say it out loud too much." He replied, oblivious to the stares directed at him. "And the big voice says I gotta come with you guys 'cuz while I may seem like a useless side character now, I'm important later in the plotline."

"Not gonna happen, fishy buddy boy." Eragon said, and started to turn his back when the hole opened up in the sky yet again.

"**ERAGON! Be nice to Murtagh, he's responsible for half the sequel."**

Eragon started whining, so the author threatened to make him and Murtagh related. That shut him up real good.

"Oh, don't look so glum. I can be a real riot at parties." Said Murtagh. "Boy, I'd fancy a swim right now. Anyone want to go throw bricks at some factory owner's heads?"

Saphira was all for it, but Arya decided that she had to stay at camp and be poisoned.

"Why do you have to stay here and be sick?" Eragon asked her as he looked around for spare bricks.

"**Eragon, it's very responsible of Arya to follow the storyline. Maybe you should, too."**

"YEAH! HOW DA YA LIKE THEM APPLES, LIZARD BOY!" Arya yelled in his face, standing up and waving her finger. Then she made herself pale by pinching herself and stumbled back to the ground. She put a hand over her face and whimpered, "Oh… my illness does not permit me to continue…. Oh, oh!"

"Drama Queen. You were never even poisoned!"

"**That's the way the story goes, Eragon, like it or not."**

"Fine, go be sick. Come on, let's go cause pain to meanie polluters." Said Eragon, turning around and mounting Saphira with Murtagh. "Let's ride, fish boy!" and they were off.

* * *

Eragon were out until late that night. They maimed 17 factory owners, made 12 melted holes in walls, narrowly missed 9 priests, sent 6 civilians to the hospital in critical condition, and successfully escaped 5 angry mobs, one of which containing a rather large woman who thought Murtagh stole her chocolate bar. All in all, a very productive afternoon.

Since they had nothing to do in Dras Leona due to the fact that the Ra'zac had already run off, our heroes planned to take off the next morning for the Varden.

"Wait, hold the phone!" yelled Eragon.

"**Oh, what now, Eragon?"**

"What happened to Brom? He wasn't in this chapter at all! And he had, like, one line in the last chapter! What gives?"

"Yeah, what gives, o exalted author of this exaltedly cool story?" chimed Murtagh.

"**He's dead. He dove in front of Durza's spear to save your life, remember?"**

"No…"

"**Oh, well he is."**

"YOU FORGOT TO WRITE BROM'S DEATH?!?!?!?"

"**Hey, life can get hectic sometimes, ok?"**

"Of all the things you can forget to write! Come on, dude! What kind of author are you?"

"**One who can kill you in an instant. Now, drop and give me 200."**

"Wh-"

"**NOW!"**

Eragon dropped to the ground and started crying because he was too fat to lift himself off the ground.

"HRRRR….. O-o-o-on-on-one… AHHHOOOAGHH! THE PAIN! IT BU-U-U-URNS! AHH-HA-HA-HA-AHHHHH!!!!!!" He screamed, rolling on the ground crying after one small push up. "WHY COULDN'T BROM BE HERE TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BY MAKING HIMSELF LOOK LIKE EVEN MORE OF AN IDIOT? WHY-HY-HY-HY-HYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!? WAAAAA-"

"**ALL RIGHT! Just get on the dragon already! Sheesh…"**

Immediately Eragon reduced his earsplitting cries to a small sob and got on Saphira.

_Cheer up, little one. It will be all right in the end._

_You know what would make me feel better?_

_What?_

_Can I play Medieval Kareoke Dance Party 3 again?_

Saphira answered by throwing Eragon off her back.

* * *

**Yes! I told you all! 2 chapters in 1 day! WOOT, WOOT! Oh, and I'm driving to Myrtle Beach for 10 hours on Saturday. I'll bring my laptop, and I'll have plenty of time to update and write and stuff. Stay tuned!**

**FLASY FLASH! SNEAK PEAK AHEAD!**

Ajihad will be a football maniac. his fav team is, of course, like me, the Eagles (I live right near Philly). Expect funny randomness, like theme songs, cheers, foam fingers, and lots of yelling!

Nasuada will be a cheerleader type of person. Peppy, loud, and obnoxious, makeup is expected to fly with her explosive (Literally, explosive) appearance.

Hrothgar will be so teeny, he's practically invisible!

Orik will be a flight attendant-sort-dude-dwarf-thing. Fully uniformed and everything!

* * *


	8. Die Hard Eagles Fans & Barbie Dolls

**What Really Happened in Eragon?**

**Chapter 8: Die-Hard Eagles Fans & Barbie Dolls**

* * *

Saphira flew with speed and grace only a dragon can have. She soared high above the clouds in the cold, mountainous air. The only sound were the flap of her wings and the whisper of the wind as it rushed by the four as they flew like bullets on the wind, propelled by some unseen force-

"How come you're being so detailed?"

"**Just because this is a humor fic doesn't mean I can't be deep, Eragon. Now do you want me to throw you off Saphira again?"**

"No." Eragon said sadly.

"**So shut up."**

"Fine, I will."

Saphira was flying as fast as a bullet through the mountains. Lately, Arya had been being an even more annoying actress, so much that Saphira had strapped her to her stomach and flew so high that Arya passed out from lack of oxygen. They were entering the Beor mountain range, and the Varden was not too far away.

Murtagh pulled out the pages he had printed off of MapQuest and read them aloud to Saphira. "Ok, It says we should take a left at the intersection of Mount Fish and the Magical Rock of Super Fantabulous Hope and Wonder, Then hang a right a mile past the Fountain of Flaming Guacamole." He read.

_Why do humans come up with the most ridiculous names for landmarks? The Magical Rock of Super Fantabulous Hope and Wonder? It's just a rock! I'd call it gray-hard-rock-big. It's a simple, practical name and it doesn't have any extra flimflam that most-_

"Saphira! MOUNTAIN!" Yelled Eragon, cutting off Saphira's rant, pointing at the mountain they were about to crash into. Too late, Saphira looked in front of her. They hit the rock with a sickening thud. Saphira fell from the sky.

"SAPHIRA YOU IDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" Eragon screamed as he fell from the sky next to the flailing dragon.

But they didn't die. They hit the ground and bounced up nearly as high as the mountain they had crashed into. They fell again, and bounced again, slightly lower this time. Repeatedly they bounced and fell until they stopped bouncing at all.

"I'm gonna be sick…" muttered Murtagh, who was a nasty shade of green-grey.

_How did we survive? And why did we bounce?_

"That would be our patented Varden Floor Trampoline, disguised to look exactly like mountainous terrain, only $999,999,999,999.99 plus $9.99 shipping and handling." Said a voice next to Eragon .

"Gah!" Eragon jumped and moved away. "Dude, too close! And who are you?" he said. A really small dude completely decked out in flight attendant clothes greeted them.

"I am Orik, your personal guide to Tronjhiem. I handle all new, important guests to our beautiful, esteemed city. How may I help you?"

_How did you know we'd crash?_

"Good Morning America did a documentary on your lives. We learned enough from that to know you'd kill yourselves coming here. We took every precaution necessary. Now, if you will please follow me through the Varden patented Hidden Waterfall Cave Door. Please keep your hands and feet to yourselves at all times as we enter the main city. For your convenience, we have added patented…

_It's like talking to tour guide Barbie._

_You nailed his personality in one disturbing sentence. I hope we're not stuck with him too long._

The four, well three since Eragon made Murtagh carry a still unconscious Arya, stepped into a huge hollow chamber in which there were many houses and shops and whatnot.

"They're all shorties like LoserOrik!" Yelled Eragon, calling Orik a new nickname he had thought of himself. Orik gave Eragon the only expression his job permitted him to give: a cheesy smile that scared the pants off of Eragon with its slightly insane tinge of fake happiness. Nonetheless, Eragon was right. The people there were mostly dwarves who either glared at Eragon or laughed at him; apparently they had all seen the GMA documentary.

"Hey LoserOrik, how come I didn't know about this documentary thing?" Eragon asked Orik.

"They used hidden cameras and such. It was very funny. They captured every moment of your journey, and then they sold it to 20th Century Fox, who made an absolutely terrible adaptation of your life. It was even funnier to see all the mistakes they made."

"Oh. So, like, where are we going?"

"To see King Hrothgar, Lord Ajihad, and his…" Orik shuddered. "… and Lord Ajihad's daughter, Nasuada. They are in the throne room. Take a look around this lovely, slimy, smelly, cave-like cavern. Established in 1975, Tronjhiem is…"

Orik continued to rant on about the history of Tronjhiem. Eragon blocked it out completely, and started thinking about cheese and chocolate bunnies. He didn't even notice when he entered the throne room.

"Greetings, Dragon Rider. I am King Hrothgar."

"Hah? Whodat?" said Eragon, snapping out of his thoughts. He looked around for King Hrothgar. Nothing.

"Um, Mr. Shortie King? Where are you?" he said looking around.

"I am here, big one." Said a voice, coming from someone Eragon couldn't see.

"Where?"

"Down here, you doof!" said the voice again, annoyed. Eragon looked down and saw the king. He was barely 6 inches tall and wore teeny weeny expensive clothes. He sat in a little pink plastic Barbie Princess Throne and was trying to get Eragon's attention.

"Oh, there you are Mr. King Dude." Said Eragon, kneeling. "How come you're so small?"

"That's not important. What is important is your loyalty. We must know if you're with us."

"Whatevs, but you gotta cure Arya. She's so dang annoying! Do you know what she has?"

"That sounds like Dramaqueenitis. We will heal her immediately. Ajihad, you may enter and question Eragon now!" said King Hrothgar. He called for Ajihad.

There was a loud bang as a door slammed open. A rather plump African American man stood in the threshold. He wore green bermuda shorts, a homemade green cape, and a green and white football jersey that read #5 DONOVAN MCNABB. His face was painted green and he wore one of those weird soda-drinking hats that you bring to sports events. His eyes lit up when he saw Eragon.

"E-R-A-G-O-N- ERAGON!" The man shouted. He jumped from the ledge he stood on, his cape billowing behind him. "I-AM-AJIHAAAAAAAD! "

Murtagh dropped Arya, who made a small, dainty scream.

"Um… hi?" said Eragon, tentatively waving his hand.

"W-H-A-T- WHAAAAAAAAT?"

Eragon thought for a second, and then had an idea. He bent his knees slightly and held his arms out, also bent. "U-M-H-I- UM HIIIIIII!" He yelled.

"W-A-S-S-U-P-WASSUP!"

"N-O-T-M-U-C-H- NOT MUCH!"

"DO- YOU- LIKE- THE- E-A-G-L-E-S-EAGLES!?!?!?"

"W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R-D-U-D-E-I-D-O-N-T-C-A-R-E-S-U-R-E- WHATEVER DUDE, I DON'T CARE, SURE!

"C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S CONGRATULATIONS! Y-O-U- P-A-S-S YOU PASS!

"U-M-O-K-W-H-A-T-E-V-S- UM OK WHATEVS!"

"B-Y-E- E-R-A-G-O-N! BYE ERAGON!"

With that, Ajihad swept his cape over his face and ran back out the door.

Everyone in the room stared at the now closed door.

"W-E-L-L- *ahem* Well, that was weird." Said Eragon.

King Hrothgar looked ready to speak, but he was interrupted by a small green explosion of smoke. Once again, Eragon's eyebrows were singed off.

"Oh, no, here we go again…" said Hrothgar, putting his face in his hand.

"Heeeeeeeeeey its Nasuada!" yelled a voice from the smoke. When it cleared, there stood a young African American girl that looked a lot like Ajihad, not much older than Eragon and wearing a green and white cheerleader outfit reading EAGLES CHEER GIRL. She saw Eragon and her eyes widened like her father's.

"Why, hello! Hello! Have a good time here! My name is Nasuada and I love cheer! WOOO! GO EAGLES! ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR, BABY, YEAH!" She screamed, doing various back flips and splits that made Murtagh turn green again.

_I doubt the Eagles will win. It's been, like, 50 years since they won the super bowl._ Saphira said to Eragon skeptically.

_Their team may stink, but they do have the most spirited fans. Just look at Nasuada and her dad! And for that matter, all of the Philadelphia area. All through those 50 years of pain and loss, the noble Eagles fans still remain loyal to their home team. That's true sportsmanship._

_Well, Mr. Deep and Dedicated, I didn't know you had a vocabulary of +25 words. I have to write this down somewhere._

_Ha ha. Very funny. Just listen to the freaky cheerleader. _

"… so we'll win for sure! YEAH!"

"So… what was the point of us coming in here and listen to the wannabe cheerleader scream at us?" Eragon asked, bored. Nasuada glared at him like he had just blown up Tronjhiem.

"Good point. Nasuada, go away." Said King Hrothgar. Nasuada looked glum. It was clear she had more cheers she wanted to show everyone. She scowled, and there was another small explosion, and she was gone.

The King then turned his gaze on Murtagh, who was standing in a corner facing the wall and not saying anything.

"Turn around, son, so that I might see your face." He said to Murtagh.

"Muluffle floopie nibbertome ni!" Murtagh replied.

"Turn around so I can hear what you're saying!"

"Miff…" said Murtagh, but he turned around.

King Hrothgar gasped. "Seize him! He is the son of Morzan, the evil dude!" Immediately, guards ran from around the room and tied and gagged Murtagh.

"Aren't you gonna try and stop us from imprisoning him?" King Hrothgar asked Eragon.

"Heh, I don't care!" Eragon Answered. Murtagh's eyes widened and he started struggling, making strange noises that sounded like death threats through his gag.

"Ok, then… Eragon, now that we know you are on our side, you can go explore until Galbatorix finds us. We will take Arya now." Said King Hrothgar. He clapped his hands. Some healers came and picked up Arya, straining from the weight. "Have fun. Orik!"

Orik came running. "Please, follow me into your dank, dark cave were you will stay. Our luxury dragon suites that you will stay in are large and spacious enough to-"

"All righty LoserOrik, I think that's enough." Said Eragon as they go to the cave. Eragon pushed Orik 20 feet in the other direction and then slammed the door in his face.

They slept in their cave that night, but Eragon didn't get any sleep because Saphira had a nightmare and asked to sit on his lap. She fell asleep there, and eventually Eragon passed out from lack of blood circulation. They only awoke when a siren sounded throughout the mountain…

* * *

**Yes, I am a huge Eagles fan, being from New Jersey. They will win eventually! THEY WILL!**


	9. Yo Mamma Fight!

**What Really Happened in Eragon?**

**Chapter 9: Yo Mamma Fight!**

* * *

"MR. CHEESY CHEESEBURGER! AHHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Eragon. The sound of the siren wailing throughout the mountain had woken him from his rather disturbing dream.

_Eragon,_ _quit your screaming and go kick some Urgal patootie!_

"What's a patootie?"

_Frankly, I have no idea._

"Then how am I supposed to kick it?"

_I don't know; just kill some of those invading Urgals, ok?_

"But I'm the main character! I need to fight a boss, you know, 'cause I'm the main character?"

_*sigh* Fine, we'll look for a more powerful foe; just make sure he's not above your level, ok?_

"KK…"

Eragon walked outside of their way too small room to find some really short people running around in circles. He stuck his arm out and, sure enough, a dwarf ran into it.

"Yo shortie, what's goin' on here?"

"T-Th-The U-Urg-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-"

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"The Urgals are attacking, ok? Man, I am done making stories with this guy…" The dwarf threw his hat down and walked away, muttering insulting things that my mommy won't let me write down.

"**Durza's here too, you know."**

"He's dead though!"

"**Have you EVER read the book about yourself?"**

"… Was I supposed to?"

"**URG!** **I am SO done with you! Now, go fight Durza. He's in central Tronjhiem."**

"Thanks for the directions, Mr. Talking Map Dude!" Said Eragon. He and Saphira, while dodging several 'lawn gnomes' headed for the huge amphitheater.

"YO! Eragon, I see you have come back to challenge me!" Screamed Durza when he saw Eragon. Behind him were the Twins.

"Hey, who are the bald dudes behind you?" asked Eragon, pointing to the Twins.

"Well, I was going to ask you that-"

"**Fight already!"**

"Fine! Sheesh…" Said Eragon. He looked around. "Where's Saphira?" he asked.

"**She's off developing the plot like she should be, unlike you."**

"Well at least she doesn't have to fight Senor EmoLoco here!" Eragon complained. ;D

"Hey, who're you calling Senor EmoLoco, you Lemon-Head!"

Eragon mumbled something inaudible.

"What was that?" Durza asked.

"Yo mamma is so fat, when she hitched a ride on Saphira, she went down instead of up!" Eragon yelled.

Almost instantly all the dwarves in the Varden were watching Eragon and Durza fight. Someone in the crowd pulled out a chalkboard, wrote ERAGON and DURZA, and made one tally mark under ERAGON.

"Oh, so you wanna play hardball, eh? Well, Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought you were a man!"

"Score one for DURZA!" yelled the scorekeeper, and put a tally on his side.

"Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought the sun was a monster!"

"Score two for ERAGON!"

"Yo mamma is so ugly, all the Urgals, when they saw her, bowed down and worshipped her 'cuz they thought she was a goddess!

"Score two for DURZA!"

"Yo mamma is so fat, she sat on the Riders, and caused their fall!"

"Score three for ERAGON!"

"Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought she was smarter than Oromis!"

The crowd was silent.

Eragon asked, "Who?"

"He's… oh, wait, you haven't gotten to Book two yet…

The dwarves were still silent, until the scorekeeper yelled, "ERAGON WINS!"

Everyone except Durza erupted into cheers.

Durza screamed. "I'm melting, I'm melting!" He yelled.

"No you're not!" said Eragon.

"Oh. I suppose I'm not. Oh, well." Durza said. He laid down on the floor.

Eragon poked him with his shoe. "Heh, weird." He said.

Eragon began to walk out of the room, whistling, when there was a huge crash. Saphira and Arya burst straight through the giant star sapphire in the ceiling, yelling and crushing several dwarves in the process.

"Are we in time to save you?" Arya asked.

"No, you idiot! You two just broke the most expensive jewel in the world! Now I have to pay for it!"

_Oops._

Eragon's rant was interrupted by the growling and angry shouts of the dwarves.

"GET HIM AND MAKE HIM PAY! LITERALLY! THAT COST US $999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999.99!"

"Whoa! Saphira, get us out of here!" Eragon yelled as he ran from the angry mob. He hopped on Saphira and pushed Arya off. "Sorry, princess. Only room for one on this dragon!"

Arya was left for dead in the angry mob of dwarves while Eragon and Saphira flew to safety. They were out of the Beor mountain range when they landed for a break.

* * *

Eragon looked back at the mountains to find his view obscured by an incredibly short woman holding a baby. He crab walked backwards as she stood there smiling gruesomely. "I'm your #1 fan, Saphira! Please sign my adopted baby!" she said to him, holding out the little girl. Saphira smiled, or at least looked like she did, and walked forward.

_Of course I will sign your-_

"Allow me, miss." Said Eragon, jealous that Saphira had fans and he didn't. He tried to push her aside, failed, and gave up. He walked over to the woman. She backed away.

"Oh, no Shadeslayer! I don't like you! You might-"

"Nibble icky wawa roodu pokey skolir fu!" Eragon yelled at the baby. A scribble appeared on her arm. She began to cry. It didn't even look like an autograph.

Saphira threw Eragon 100 feet away and then approached the woman. She touched her nose to the baby's forehead. When the mucus cleared, shiny white cursive writing appeared on the baby's forehead. She laughed and giggled and drooled. The woman bowed.

"Thank you, Saphira Brightscales." She said. Then she turned to Eragon." As for you, Shadeslayer…" The woman began whacking Eragon with the laughing baby. He screamed until she finally left. He stood up, covered in baby barf, only to fall back down again.

_Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ _Eragon! How are ya today?_ Said a voice in Eragon's head.

_Who are you?_

_Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm_ _the Mourning Sage! The Cripple who is Whole! Your one and only trainer, Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooromis!_

_So… why are you in my head?_

_I'm here to tell you that yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou just one a trip the fabulous, exotic, vegetarian, Elllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllesmera! Oh yeah, and the author told me to hurt you._

_What?_

_Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya!_

The image of Oromis, dressed as a game show host, took out a sword and slashed Eragon in the back.

_What was that for!?!?!?!?!?!?_

_Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's_ _all the time we have left today! Join us next time for the sequel, What Really Happened in Eldest! Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm your host, Oromis! See you all later!_

* * *

**Yes, there will be a sequel that I will start as soon as I skim the book. Hope ya'll enjoyed this fic!**

**Special thanks to salemmichigancambodia09 of ageofaquariusstudios for inspiration and a few laughs along the way, and to my brother David for many new and hilarious ideas for this story. He was the first to laugh at the ridiculous words before you. **


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